Understanding Sexual Orientation

Sexuality, or sexual orientation, refers to a person’s romantic or sexual attraction to others. Sometimes that attraction comes with a desire to have an emotional or physical relationship with someone. How we and others understand our sexuality can affect our self-esteem, relationships, and overall mental health and well-being.

Many of our lessons about sexuality are based on a narrow and incomplete understanding of gender identity and sexual orientation. These misunderstandings can lead us to assume some of the following things about most people we meet:

• They are cisgender (meaning they identify with the gender they were assigned at birth).
• They are either male or female.
• They are straight (attracted to someone of the “opposite” gender). 
• They follow stereotypical gender roles.

These assumptions are sometimes called “heteronormative.” 

Many people carry these assumptions, however, and if our identity doesn’t match these assumptions, we may feel the need to come out, or share our sexual orientation with others. The Trevor Project offers a helpful resource on what coming out could look like. This process is different for everyone, which makes sense because we’re all wonderfully unique. 

Sexuality Is a Spectrum

Sexuality exists on a spectrum. That means there are many ways to define who we are attracted to and a variety of ways to feel attraction. Not all feelings of attraction come with feelings of sexual desire—which is absolutely valid—and sometimes we don’t want to have relationships with the people we are attracted to. 

Sexuality and gender identity (whether a person sees themself as male or female or something else) are different things, but they can be connected. That’s because labels for sexuality are often based on your gender and the genders of people you may be attracted to.

Common Labels for Sexual Orientations

The terms we commonly use to describe sexual orientations include, but are not limited to:

• Gay: Historically used to describe men attracted to other men, the term has become an umbrella term to describe people with various same-gender or queer attractions, including same-gender and queer, a term to describe those who are attracted to people of the same gender or to people of a variety of genders. Any gender can identify as gay.
• Lesbian: Typically used to describe a woman (either transgender or cisgender) who is attracted to other women. 
• Straight: Used to describe a person attracted to people of the “opposite” gender or gender identity. Typically this refers to male/female cisgender people, but many transgender people also identify as straight if they are attracted to people with a different gender identity. 
• Bisexual (Bi): A person who is attracted to two or more genders. Some people feel the term bisexual implies only male or female genders, but others view it similarly to the term pansexual.
• Pansexual (Pan): A person who is attracted to multiple genders and sexes. 
• Asexual (Ace): A person who doesn’t experience (or experiences very little) sexual attraction to any gender. Asexual people may or may not be interested in romantic relationships. 
• Aromantic (Aro): A person who doesn’t experience many or any romantic feelings for someone else. They may feel sexual attraction to others but don’t want a romantic relationship.
• Demisexual (Demi): A person who can only feel sexual attraction with someone they have established an emotional connection with. 
• Queer: A nongendered umbrella term used by people with sexual orientations other than straight. It has been and can still be seen as a slur, but many members of the LGBTQIA+ community have reclaimed the word as their own.

Using Labels

Sexuality labels can help you understand yourself and others. If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, having a label can help you find a community with others who understand some of the thoughts and feelings you are having. 

Using labels can help:

• Communicate to others within and outside the LGBTQIA+ community how you identify.
• Acknowledge the diverse and unique experiences people have with attraction and relationships.
• Add another layer to your experiences, along with other characteristics such as race, ability, and gender.
• Create a sense of belonging within a community during what can be a difficult process of questioning and exploring identity.
• Give those who want to support the LGBTQIA+ community a better understanding of  how to be a friend and helper.

As people learn about themselves and their sexuality, the labels they  use to describe themselves can change and shift.

If you choose a label that feels right but you later feel it no longer fits your experience, it’s OK to explore other labels. Some people even choose not to label their sexuality at all. 

It’s also important to know you don’t need to prove your sexuality to anyone, nor do you need to experience sex with someone to prove your identity to yourself or others.

Sexuality Is Fluid

It’s important to remember that sexuality is fluid, and labels can be too. That means both your sexuality and the labels you use to describe yourself can change and shift.

If you choose a label that feels right but you later feel it no longer fits your experience, it’s OK to explore other labels. Some people even choose not to label their sexuality at all. All of these choices are valid and unique to each person. 

Finding Support

Realizing you may have a sexual orientation that is not straight can feel overwhelming. It can be especially hard if you don’t have supportive people around you. 

If you choose to come out, know that you are loved and there are so many people who want to help. It’s important to reach out for support. If you don’t know who to talk to, try contacting The Trevor Project, a leading national organization providing crisis intervention services for LGBTQIA+ youth, by texting START to 678-678 or calling 1-866-488-7386.