Family and Financial Stress: Coping With Money Issues in Your Home
Family relationships and money are both really complicated for many people. Particularly when they come together or clash, the stress can be intense.
How your family deals with finances can shape your values around money. It’s not just families who struggle to pay bills who deal with financial issues. Sometimes in wealthier families, money can be used as leverage. That can cause problems too. As you build your own financial wellness, you may feel frustrated or powerless when your parents or other loved ones continue to make money mistakes.
If you have a job, you may feel pressure to help support your family. You and your family may disagree about spending or saving habits.
Dealing with money friction within your home can be tough. For many families, it’s an ongoing process. Here are some ways to start addressing money conflicts while protecting your own emotional health.
Name Your Emotions
Family conflict over finances is often tied to deeper emotions. You may be angry that a parent lost another job because it makes you feel unsafe. Or your parents may feel you don’t love them when you set boundaries around paying bills. Or you may feel judged when your parents say they won’t pay for college if you pursue a major in drama, dance, or another subject you love. Instead of focusing on frustrating financial behaviors (which we often can’t control), talk about how those things make you feel. You can also discuss where those feelings are coming from. How did the way money was handled in your home growing up shape how you see things today? That shift can potentially lead to a more productive conversation.
Recognize That Separation Is Healthy
If you’re not able to work through your money issues with your family, boundaries can be helpful. When we’re young, there are very few boundaries between us and our families. Part of healthy development as a teen and young adult is creating more separation from the people who raised you. It’s OK to let that happen with finances too.
Start Saving
If you’ve been giving most of your money to family, start by putting a small amount in a personal savings account to build a safety net. Over time, gradually expand how much you keep. You can do that until you’re satisfied with the balance between what’s yours and what’s shared with your family.
Seek Outside Support
It can be really hard to separate yourself from family pressure and dynamics. You may not know whether your family’s expectations around money are common or realistic. Talking to friends or a trusted adult outside your immediate family can give you a different perspective.
Know the Signs of Abuse
Sometimes money can be used as a way to control people. This happens in both families with plenty of money and those with not enough. Your parents may use money as leverage to encourage you not to pursue interests or step into your identities. If your parents or another family member are using money to control you, talk to them about how that makes you feel, if it’s safe to do so. Learn about the signs of financial abuse and financial child abuse, including not allowing you to work, taking your money, shaming your spending or saving habits, or applying for credit in your name.
Let Go of Guilt
There’s no right answer for how much input your family should have on your finances. If you help your parents pay bills, some people may tell you to stop. If your family has enough money, people may say you don’t need to follow your parents’ advice about spending or saving. But that may not be the right choice for your cultural, family, or personal values. Take time to reflect on how you would like your family and finances to interact. Follow your desires — what you really want to do. Don’t forget to give yourself some grace. These conversations and feelings are tough to navigate. You know what’s best for you, so trust yourself. When you know you’re acting in line with your values and beliefs, it becomes easier to let go of guilt or shame.
Plan for Your Future
Money conflicts can be tough, especially when they involve your family. But you can’t forget what’s in your best interest. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself financially so you’re set up in the future. Prioritizing yourself may feel selfish at first, but actually it’s courageous.
Are you ready to address family friction around money? Learn more about how to have tough family conversations.
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