Effective Mental Health Conversation Starters to Use With Your Teen

A parent and teen engage in a conversation over breakfast in their pajamas.

By Jessica Hicks

Even if you’ve spent a lot of time preparing to talk to your teen about their mental health, it’s normal to feel nervous or unsure when you actually start the conversation.

Remember: This is the start of an ongoing dialogue, not a one-and-done conversation. Don’t put pressure on yourself to cover everything right now. Your teen will likely feel less overwhelmed and more willing to open up if you discuss their well-being over the course of several conversations. (If you have reason to believe it’s an emergency, though, get help now with these resources.)

Use the tips below to start a conversation about mental health, manage the situation if the conversation does not progress, and take care of yourself after you’ve talked.

How to Start a Conversation About Mental Health

When you talk to your teen, start off by asking how they’ve been doing. You’ll want to avoid simply asking, “How are you?” because you may be met with “fine” or another one-word answer. Instead, ask something like:

I know it’s a stressful time right now with [final exams, college applications, sports tryouts, etc.]. Can you tell me how that’s been affecting you?
What are the highs and lows in your world lately?
What was the good, the bad, and the “meh” of today?

If you still get short or nonspecific answers, try a follow-up question that invites more detailed discussion. The key is to avoid using declarative or judgmental language (“You are overly anxious,” “You’re getting too angry lately”) and lean on your observations.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been more stressed about school recently, especially when studying for biology. Can you tell me more about that?”
“I don’t think you’ve hung out with Ben in a while. You used to spend time together every week. How have things been between the two of you?”
“I noticed you’ve been pretty tired lately. What’s making it hard to sleep?”

Be sure to validate your teen’s feelings. Some things your teen may be distressed about may not seem like a big deal to you, but they are meaningful to your teen and should not be minimized or dismissed. Even if you don’t entirely understand where your teen is coming from, do your best to empathize and affirm their experiences. You can follow this formula:

Acknowledge the emotion
Empathize with the emotion
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That might look like: “It sounds like Ben really hurt your feelings when he made plans without you. I’m sorry that happened. Has this happened multiple times?”

It’s OK to help your teen recognize that they may be overreacting to or misreading a situation, but be sure to also fully explore what’s happening and how they feel in addition to always offering empathy.

Other Tips to Keep in Mind When Talking to Your Teen

Focus on listening rather than fixing. As a parent or caregiver, your immediate response may be to want to make things better for your teen by taking action. It’s actually more helpful to let your teen decide the next steps. You can ask them straight up: “Do you want my help or advice, or do you just want to vent?”
Treat your teen like the expert in the room — because they are. They may not have found the coping strategies that work for them just yet or they may struggle to prioritize their well-being, but your teen is the expert on their lived experiences and should be treated as such. Be sure to validate them and let them play an active role in decision-making around their mental health, to the extent possible with their safety in mind.
Take breaks, but don’t back out of the conversation. You may need to process what your teen has shared, but you don’t want to walk away in the middle of the conversation. You may suggest something that gives you both a moment to breathe while continuing the dialogue. You can say something like: “I’m so glad you shared this with me. Thank you. Let’s take a walk together and get some fresh air as we think about the next steps.”

What to Do If the Conversation Doesn’t Progress

It’s possible — likely, even — that your teen will say they are fine or tell you they don’t want to talk about their feelings or mental state. In that case, you can:

Gently prod but don’t get angry or insistent, and do not raise your voice out of frustration. Ask a few more questions before moving on. You could rephrase the question you used to open the conversation or inquire about other habits or behavior changes you’ve noticed. Remind your teen that you’re an ally when talking about hard things.
Share your own experiences. Talk about a time you struggled when you were young and how you managed the situation. You could even talk about a time your parent or caregiver approached you and you wished the conversation went differently. Say something like: “It was hard to talk about. They said [this], but I wish they would have said [that]. Please tell me if you want me to change the way I’m talking about this.”
Respect their boundaries if it isn’t an emergency. Reiterate that you are there when they want to talk, and say you’ll check in later.
Provide resources your teen can look at on their own time. That may include information on local mental health resources, crisis resources, or articles from the JED Mental Health Resource Center. Consider doing it outside of the conversation by leaving the materials on their bed or desk, or sending them links over email or social media.
Return to the conversation at a later date. If you know your teen takes time to process or prefers to know when a conversation is coming, you can work with them to pick an upcoming date and time to sit down again.

What to Do After You’ve Talked to Your Teen

Take stock of your own emotions. You may be feeling worried, angry, nervous, or any number of difficult emotions after talking with your teen. Being aware of your emotions can help you cope more effectively and continue being there for your teen.
Take a mindful moment. You can try a grounding meditation, a quick box-breathing exercise, or a 90-second yoga reset.
Use the information you have constructively. Your teen may have shared something with you that is surprising, worrisome, or disappointing. To maintain open communication with them, try to use the information they confided in you for constructive purposes. Avoid using the information to punish your teen during times of high tension or in other situations that can violate their trust and reduce the likelihood of them talking to you in the future. You want your teen to feel as if they have an ally.
Reach out for help. Finding someone to talk to when your teen is struggling may help you manage everything you’re juggling, develop positive coping strategies, create a support network, and let you know that you will not be alone as you go through this process.
Find help for your teen. If your teen acknowledges that talking to a professional would be helpful, finding a good fit is important. You can start by getting referrals from a family doctor or other medical specialist, family members, friends, or other trusted acquaintances.

Learn more about how to get affordable mental health care, find a culturally competent therapist, and help your teen take care of themselves when waiting for mental health care.

What to Do If Your Teen Needs Help Right Now

If your teen is in crisis and needs to talk to a mental health professional right now, help them text, call, or chat 988 for a free confidential conversation with a trained counselor 24/7.

You can also have them contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741-741.

If it’s a medical emergency or there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that your teen needs support for a mental health crisis.