Understanding Gender Identity

Gender can either be something you never think about or something that consumes you and seeps into everything you do. How you and others understand your gender could affect the way you think and feel about yourself. Negative experiences based on your gender could affect your mental health.

Why are questions about gender so prominent in some of our lives while others take it for granted? How can one word be so polarizing and personal? To get some of these answers, we need to start at the beginning — your beginning.

Gender vs. Sex

When most people are born, they’re categorized as either male or female. That designation is then used to define both their sex and gender. 

Medical professionals typically assign a person to a particular sex based on their genitals because they are most visible. The full picture of a person’s sex, though, can’t be seen without more exploration. Sex is a combination of a person’s anatomy, reproductive organs, and chromosomes. In some cases, a person’s sex is not simply male or female.

For example, intersex people are those whose internal organs, chromosomes, or genitals do not fit neatly into male or female boxes. Some people know they are intersex growing up, and others find out later in life.

Gender identity is different from sex or gender assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to  how we see ourselves in terms of being what is typically seen as male or female. In most cases, people’s gender identity is the same as the designation they’re given at birth, based on their visible characteristics. However, as they grow up, some people  realize the label just doesn’t fit how they feel and navigate their world.

Confirming and Affirming Our Gender Identity

As we grow up and get to know ourselves, each of us tends to develop a personal sense of our gender identity. Research shows that most of us have a strong sense of our gender by the time we are three or four years old. When your gender identity matches your gender assigned at birth, you may refer to yourself as cisgender. When your identity does not match your gender assigned at birth, you may identify as transgender.

Most people — whether they identify as transgender or cisgender — fall into a binary gender category (male or female), while others are somewhere in between (nonbinary) or don’t feel connected to either gender (agender). 

Everyone deserves to be seen as their authentic gender. It can be scary to realize that your gender is different from the one you were assigned at birth, but many amazing people identify as transgender or nonbinary. You can — and will — find the resources and people you need to live a full and happy life. 

Gender Expression

Gender identity is our internal understanding of our gender, but gender expression is how we present our gender identity through our appearance — including what we wear, how we style our hair, and if and how we wear makeup. It can also be in the names and pronouns we choose for ourselves. How we express our gender may or may not conform to what our families, friends, or society associates with our sex or gender identity, but we all have the right to express ourselves in ways that feel authentic and give us joy. 

Gender Pronouns

When we speak about ourselves or others without using names, we’ll often use pronouns. Some pronouns are traditionally linked to specific genders. These include: 

• She/her/hers
• He/him/his

In some cases, people prefer to be identified using pronouns for themselves that are different from the gender they were assigned at birth. Others might prefer pronouns that aren’t specifically associated with either male or female genders. These include: :

• They/them/theirs
• Xe/xem/xeirs

Sometimes it feels right to use more than one pronoun (“she/they,” for example) which means either pronoun set feels OK. People who are exploring their gender identity may choose to use multiple pronouns for a period of time to see what feels best. There can be a lot of exploration involved in figuring out what gender means to you, and sometimes it takes hearing other people refer to you with certain pronouns to know what hits right.

Gender Identity and Sexuality

Your gender identity isn’t the same as your sexual orientation. Gender identity is about who you are, and sexual orientation is about attraction and who you might want to form romantic relationships with. 

It’s important to understand that your gender identity doesn’t dictate your sexual orientation. People of any gender can have any sexual orientation.

You're Not Alone

It can feel intimidating to explore something as complicated as your gender, but it can also be exciting and affirming to find the identity that feels right to you, even if it takes a little time. There is no “right” age to explore and understand your gender identity. Some people understand their identities early in life, and others come to their identities later.

If you or someone you know is struggling with challenges related to gender identity—or struggling to get others in their life to accept their identity—it’s important to reach out for support. Try contacting The Trevor Project, a leading national organization providing crisis-intervention services for LGBTQIA+ youth, by texting START to 678-678 or calling 1-866-488-7386.

If you or someone you love needs help right now:

• Text or call 988 or use the chat function at 988lifeline.org.
• Text HOME to 741-741 for a free, confidential conversation with a trained counselor any time of day.

• If this is a medical emergency or there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that you need support for a mental health crisis.