When you mess up or make a mistake: Finding a way back instead of checking out
Important Takeaways
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Everyone makes mistakes or messes up, but you can find your way back by taking small steps and reaching out for help.
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You’re not the first person to make this mistake and won’t be the last. Even people we look up to have messed up, but there are ways to heal.
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You don’t need a full plan or “the right words” to begin to reach out for help.
By Dillon St. Bernard
You may be going through something that has you feeling like your life is over, like you’ve ruined everything, or like people will never see you the same way again. Maybe you think that you made a big mistake, messed everything up, or you let people you care about down. You might feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or scared about what happens next, and right now it can feel like there’s no way back.
You’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Everyone makes mistakes and messes up. And many people have gone through something similar to you and have found their way through. With the right support, you can too.
Life happens
If you feel like you’ve messed up, you might find yourself in one of these situations:
- You lost money gambling and feel too embarrassed to tell anybody.
- You’re in trouble at school or work.
- You physically hurt someone and feel the weight of that.
- You said or did something that hurt someone
- You feel like you’re the reason your team lost, or that you let people down.
- You sent private photos of yourself to someone, and now they’re threatening to publish them.
- You’ve been hurting yourself and don’t know where to turn.
No matter what you’re facing, these moments can feel overwhelming and isolating, like nothing you do will make things right. Being human means all of us run into moments like this.
You’re not the first to make a mistake
Even the people we look up to most — our parents, siblings, favorite athletes or streamers — have made mistakes, felt that they ruined something good, or had difficult things they had to confront. We don’t always hear their full story, or how hard things got behind the scenes.
Shame can convince you that you’re the only person who’s ever done something like this. In reality, people recover from mistakes, loss, addiction, getting in trouble, and more every day. You can too.
Where to start
You might be carrying sadness, regret, or you may feel numb. For some, this means disappearing into their phone, disconnecting from others, or losing interest in things they used to enjoy. For others, it means pretending everything is fine, doubling down on their actions, or going the other way and telling themselves other people would be better off without them.
But one of the most powerful things you can do, even though it’s hard, is to take steps to repair and make things better, with support. Here’s how you might begin:
- Separate fact from fiction: Make a list of what you know actually happened – the facts. Then make another list of what you worry that might mean about you, what other people think, or any other meaning you’re making out of the facts. Try to keep those lists separate in your brain. Making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
- Identify one small next step: one person to tell, one thing you can repair a little today, or one small action that moves you forward.
- Start connecting: Rebuild slowly with someone you’ve hurt, or find people who understand what you’re going through and also want to do better. Shame can pull you toward people and communities that reinforce hopelessness, revenge, or secrecy. Look instead for people and spaces that help you move forward, connect, and repair. Avoid people or messages that tell you you’re beyond help or that it’s always someone else’s fault.
Whether you think that you made a mistake, or feel that you are always messing everything up, you can recover. Taking steps to repair and reaching out for help is the most powerful action you can take.
Identify the support you need
You don’t need to have it all figured out, have a plan, or have just the right words to reach out. It’s enough to work up the courage to say “I need help.” Asking for help is a sign of strength.
You may find that the best person to talk to is a loved one, friend, school counselor or advisor, coach, or mental health professional. One conversation, one repair, or one small next step is how people start moving through a hard time. When the situation feels really big, keep taking small steps forward, and you’ll eventually find yourself in a better place.
If you or someone you know is in crisis or needs support right now, text, call, or chat 988, or text HOME (or HOLA) to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
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