When Everything Feels Hostile: 6 Ways to Cope

By Priscilla Blossom

Click here to go to a quick tip list.

Whether you’re scrolling on social media or walking the hallways at school, it’s sometimes hard to escape negative — even downright hostile — voices talking about everything from politics to entire identity groups. Even if you aren’t the direct target, being around disrespectful discourse can leave you feeling stressed, anxious, angry, or uncomfortable. It can be especially difficult to process when politicians and other influential figures are the ones saying harmful things online and in the media, leaving you feeling that hostility is everywhere. you. turn.

The hard truth is that you don’t have much control over what others do or say, but a source of hope is that you can take steps to limit your exposure to things you find harmful or upsetting. When it feels like hostility and negativity are all around you, check out these tips to protect yourself and find pockets of peace when the world feels harsh or unwelcoming.

Expect to See and Hear Things That May Upset You — and Plan Accordingly

We’ve all observed and experienced things that made us want to avoid a situation altogether. Maybe you see political yard signs on your walk to school for a candidate who isn’t supportive of your identity. Maybe there’s a rally happening near campus or your dorm and you’re worried you may hear hateful remarks, or someone has made offensive comments in a group chat. Whatever the case, take a moment to think about what is in your control and what isn’t. Then make a plan to feel safe and take control over what you can. 

If the political signs on one block bother you, consider an alternate route home. If passing near the rally is unavoidable, consider walking past it with a friend who shares your values so you don’t feel alone or wearing headphones to avoid hearing anything unpleasant. If the group chat has become hostile, you could mute it for the time being or leave it altogether. Doing what you can to alleviate worry and discomfort may help you feel more empowered.

Curate Your Social Media Experience

Social media can be great for giving everyone a voice, but it can also be hostile because not everyone uses their voice for good. The ability to stay behind a screen and appear anonymous in some situations can lead to disrespectful comments and hostile conversations.

When social media feels overwhelming, setting limits can help. A lot is out of your control on social media, but there are tools that can help you curate your experience and lessen exposure to upsetting content. iPhones and Android phones have settings to help you reduce the amount of time you spend on certain apps. Taking breaks from platforms where you find it especially hard to avoid upsetting posts may help you feel better.

Another strategy to protect yourself: Limit posts with certain words or phrases you find hurtful, harmful, or just plain aggravating. You can stop seeing suggested posts with certain words on Instagram, for example, or block certain words on Facebook. If you come across a post that is discriminatory or fueled by hate, feel empowered to report it to the social media platform. 

You also have control over who you follow. If an influencer you normally enjoy now posts hateful political content, unfollow them. If a creator you like is posting fake AI images making it hard to know what’s real and what isn’t, mute their stories and posts. 

Don’t forget you can also decide whether to post political content, but you don’t have to engage with every (or any) comment. You can make your account private, share with only close friends, or limit or turn off comments. And it’s OK to avoid it altogether if it feels harmful at the moment.

Speak Up When It Feels Right for You

It can be uncomfortable and stressful to be around hostile conversations or interactions. You may be at a coffee shop when a customer makes an unkind remark about the barista’s identity, or maybe you’re scrolling on social media and come upon a post attacking another person or group.

You may want to speak up for the person or group being harmed, but worry you’ll be canceled or become the target of online or in-person harassment or cyberbullying. Or you may simply feel shy, scared, or intimidated. If you don’t feel comfortable directly addressing the person who is being hostile, there are plenty of ways to help the person who was mistreated. 

You can check in on them and offer support after the aggressor walks away. If you’re online, you can DM the person a kind message and share resources for how to report the cyberbully. This is known as being an upstander. There’s a lot of pressure to speak up and stand up for what you believe in, but remember there are ways to do so that are more private or may not increase anxious feelings.

If you feel open to intervening, you may calmly say something like, “This conversation doesn’t feel productive. We’re going to step away,” and help the individual leave the situation. It’s OK to do that even if you’re talking to adults. It’s not disrespectful — in fact, it’s offering respect and validation to the person being harmed. If you’re at school or in public and the hostile party won’t leave you alone, find a safe person or place for help.

You can learn more about bystander intervention in this tip sheet from the American Psychological Association.

Find Your Allies and Brave Spaces

Protecting yourself from hostility can be especially hard if you live in an area where your identity isn’t supported, or if online spaces don’t always feel safe or validating. That’s where your allies come in. Your allies are the people who make you feel seen and understood, and show up for you without judgment. 

It’s not always easy to find your allies, but know they are out there — and they don’t just have to be friends or family members. At school, it may be a guidance counselor, social worker, or kind-hearted teacher willing to let you come by during your lunch hour and just talk. You may also find an ally in a coach, a leader at a community organization you’re a part of, or even a close friend’s parent or caregiver. 

You can also join a club or organization at school or in your community to find folks who share your values. Whether it’s a civic-engagement group, an acting club, or the pride center or other identity-focused affinity group on campus, it should be a place where you feel free to be yourself and can worry less — or not at all — about entering a hostile environment.

Use Strategies to Manage Discomfort

It’s never OK when someone says or does something hateful or discriminatory. What is OK is when someone respectfully shares an opinion that’s different from yours. It can be tough when someone doesn’t see eye to eye with you, that’s for sure. But recognizing that others will hold differing viewpoints — and choosing to engage with those viewpoints in ways that are safe and self-protective — can help you learn, grow, and be challenged in healthy ways. 

If you’re struggling to lean into — or at least accept — someone’s opposing views, it can be helpful to find strategies that help you understand them and help you find some calm. You may choose to look up resources that help you better understand where the person is coming from, for example, or engage in a tough but civil conversation with them. Always remember to set boundaries for when you’ve had enough and need to disengage, and then practice a calming strategy, such as: 

• Deep breathing (try one of these breathing exercises you can do anywhere)
• Visualizing, or imagining a situation playing out how you would like it to go
• Reframing, or finding the positives (or, at least, a more positive spin) on a challenging or stressful situation

Make Time to Decompress and Find Some Joy

Being surrounded by uncivil discourse takes its toll on your well-being. Set aside time each week to disconnect from everything and just relax. Put away your phone — even for just a little while — and do something that recharges you or helps you tap into a sense of joy, such as engaging in a hobby, spending time with a good friend, or going outside for a walk.

Get ideas for how to add more joy to your life.

Your Tip List

Here’s a quick review of the strategies you can use to manage hostility. 

• Expect to experience things that may upset you. Plan ahead so you can avoid or minimize distressing situations. 
• Curate your social media experience.
  • Set boundaries around your time spent online. 
  • Limit posts with certain words or phrases you find hurtful, harmful, or annoying.
  • Unfollow, block, and report users as needed.
• Speak up when it feels right for you, and know you can also help out by speaking one on one with someone who is experiencing hostility or harassment.
• Find allies and brave spaces where you feel seen and supported, and be intentional about spending time with them.
• Try mindfulness exercises to manage discomfort in the moment. 
• Make time for activities that relax you and bring you joy.

Get Help Right Now

If the hostility around you is getting you down and nothing seems to help, professional mental health care may be useful. Learn more about how to get help.

If you need to talk to someone right now, text, call, or chat 988 for a free confidential conversation with a trained counselor 24/7. 

You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741-741. 

If this is a medical emergency or if there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that you need support for a mental health crisis.

Learn More About Managing Hostility and Tough Situations

Protecting Your Mental Health From Violent Content Online

How to Have Tough Family Conversations

Tips for Stressful Election Conversations

How to Combat Misinformation and Find Credible Sources Online

7 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health When You Use Social Media

Unpacking Family Drama