The Painful Truth About Breakups
Breakups are painful, no matter what brings them about. Initiating a breakup can cause sadness, guilt, and worry. Being broken up with can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection. Even if the breakup is mutual, it’s still natural to struggle with difficult feelings, such as anger or depression.
As painful as the decision can be, there are healthy ways to deal with and move on from a breakup. With time, support from family and friends, reflection, and self-compassion, healing can happen.
What Can Cause a Breakup
Breakups happen for many reasons. Some reasons are external — such as one of you moving away, going to separate colleges, or going through another lifestyle change that affects how you prioritize relationships. Other reasons are more internal — maybe you feel like you’ve grown apart, or you’re growing in different directions. In some cases, the relationship may be unhealthy for one or both people. A relationship may come to an end naturally or may need to end to preserve one or both people’s mental health and well-being.
Changing Needs and Priorities
Sometimes breakups happen because you and your partner (or partners) don’t share the same opinions, beliefs, or goals. That’s why it’s important to communicate your deal-breakers — the things that you won’t compromise on — early in the relationship. For example, if you want a monogamous relationship, then having a partner who wants an open or polyamorous relationship may be a deal-breaker for you.
As we grow and evolve as people, things change: priorities, the kind of person we’re attracted to, what we want out of a relationship, and even our understanding of our own sexuality. This means that what we are willing to compromise on may change, too. For example, if a couple agrees that they do not want children and then one partner decides they do, they may need to revisit if their unique life goals and desires are compatible. If something changes for you while you’re in a relationship, it is important to be honest with yourself and, eventually, with your partner.
Infidelity
Infidelity, or cheating, is defined differently across relationships. Boundaries in one monogamous relationship may look different than boundaries in another, and the same is true for polyamorous or open relationships where there are more than two people involved. It’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with and what your boundaries are. If you feel that important or well understood boundaries have been violated in a relationship, it’s OK to break up, even if your partner or others in your life don’t see infidelity the same way you do.
One important aspect of consent in a relationship is sexual safety. If someone in a sexual relationship has sex with someone else without their partner’s knowledge, they are putting their partner at risk for a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or other complications. This is why it is a good idea to get tested for STIs if you find out your partner had sex with someone else.
What If There Is No Specific Reason?
Sometimes, there may not be a specific reason to end a relationship — and that’s OK. We all change over time and something that felt comfortable at the beginning of your relationship may stop feeling that way over time. Simply wanting to leave a relationship is enough of a reason to break up.
But it’s one thing to come to that conclusion and another to actually break up. Even when you know you want to break up with someone, it is not less sad or hurtful to actually do it. There may be things you still like or love about that person, and you may feel sad that those things will no longer be part of your life.
How You May Feel After a Breakup
Whether you were the one who wanted to break up, you’ve been broken up with, or a breakup was mutual, ending a relationship can cause all kinds of emotions: sadness, confusion, anger, and even relief. While there is no one right way to feel after a breakup, there are a few things to look out for:
Low Self-Esteem
If you or others around you have the unhelpful habit of viewing past relationships as “failed” relationships, going through a breakup may make you question your self-worth, especially if you’ve been through multiple breakups. It is most healthy and true to see all of your relationships as part of your life experience and growth. It is common and healthy to have more than one important relationship in life, and each one provides insight into yourself and what you want out of relationships.
If you initiated the breakup, you may feel like a bad person or that you’re incapable of having a lasting relationship. But ending a relationship does not mean the relationship failed, or that you’re a failure. If you were broken up with, you may feel unattractive or undesirable. But whether or not you’re in a relationship, or whether or not someone finds you desirable, is an unhealthy measure of your value as a person. What makes you valuable and deserving of love has nothing to do with what someone else thinks of you.
Depression
A breakup is a loss, and it is not uncommon to feel “breakup depression,” or at least a deep sadness, afterward. You may be grieving the past relationship as well as the future you thought you’d have together. It’s normal to grieve the relationship and give yourself time to get past your sadness. But if symptoms of depression get worse or disrupt your everyday life, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional who can help you process your feelings.
Fear
If you left an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you may experience fear, as intimate partner violence can escalate after a breakup. You might be afraid of your ex-partner lashing out, emotionally or physically. It’s important to prioritize your safety and lean on your support system during this time. Talk with an adult you trust or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-7233 or texting “START” to 88788. If you think you are in immediate danger, call 911 and leave your location as soon as possible.
Learn more about intimate partner violence and how to get help.
How to Get Over a Breakup
There is no one way to deal with a breakup, and there is no set time it takes to get over a breakup. It’s important to let yourself process on your own terms and not push yourself to just get over it or move on faster.
Grieve What Was Lost
After a breakup, you may experience some of the stages of grief. With a breakup, these could look like:
- Denial: You may not want to believe that the breakup is happening, or you believe the issues you’re having aren’t serious enough to break up over.
- Bargaining: As a way to control the outcome or avoid accepting the breakup, you may try to make promises to change yourself or believe you can “fix” the relationship.
- Anger: Depending on the situation, you may be angry at yourself, your ex, or more generally at the circumstances that led to your breakup.
- Depression: Once the reality starts to set in, you may feel a deep, lingering sadness. You may also feel hurt and alone, which may cause you to isolate yourself from other relationships.
The eventual goal is to move toward acceptance so that you can refocus on your own life and future. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy about the breakup, but it does mean allowing the anger or sadness to pass so you can move into the next chapter of your life.
Validate Your Feelings
Breakups can be messy. You may be navigating a lot of complicated and intense feelings. Some are negative, like sadness or anger. Some may be positive, such as feelings of freedom or relief. If there are lessons to take away about yourself or the relationship more broadly, give yourself time to understand them. Try to avoid returning to feelings of guilt or self-judgment, and instead focus on applying lessons learned from the relationship and creating a life you want and appreciate.
Learn more about how to identify and talk about your feelings.
Take Space
Taking space from your ex — and also giving them space to process the breakup — is an important part of coping. This can be hard, especially if you spent a lot of time with your former partner or lived together. But taking time to focus on yourself will give you space to heal, and prevent you from falling into old or unhealthy routines or habits with your ex.
Come to Terms With Your New Normal
When you lose a partner, you may also feel like you are losing a friend. It will likely take time to create new daily habits, social connections, and routines. Depending on the circumstances, you also may need space from mutual friends, activities you shared, or places that remind you of your ex. A breakup can also mean needing to find a new place to live or taking on new financial responsibilities.
While it is natural to mourn what is lost in a breakup, ending a relationship often opens up opportunities to find new hobbies, activities, and friendships, or reinvest in ones that you didn’t prioritize during your relationship. A breakup, while painful, can push you to explore new parts of your life that you might have never explored otherwise. Being open to new experiences and people is an important and healthy step in moving on.
Establish Boundaries With Your Ex
Being friends with an ex is a common goal in popular movies and shows, and is even a goal we may set for ourselves before we ever experience a breakup. While it’s possible to stay friends, it takes a lot of honest communication and maturity.
In some cases, staying friends is a form of denial: it allows us to feel like we are in control of the situation and avoid the reality of losing our partners. But forcing yourself to maintain a friendship with an ex while either one of you still has complicated feelings about the breakup can prolong pain.
If you really do want to be friends with an ex, it’s important that both of you accept that the romantic relationship is over. And, it often requires time and space apart to transition from being romantic partners to being friends. From there, it can be helpful to set boundaries around how you will communicate and your expectations of one another in your new platonic relationship.
Moving On From a Breakup
Once you have accepted a breakup, you can begin to move beyond the relationship and into the next phase of your life.
Reflect on the Relationship
All of our relationships teach us about ourselves — even the relationships that have ended. An important part of moving on from a breakup and growing into the next part of your life is reflecting on the relationship.
Either by yourself, with a trusted friend, or with help from a mental health professional, ask these questions and be honest about your answers:
- How did this relationship make me feel about myself?
- What can I learn from how this relationship started and how it ended?
- Is there anything from this relationship I want to have again in my next relationship? Is there anything from this relationship I don’t want in my next relationship?
- Was this a healthy relationship, or have I romanticized it now that we’re not together?
- If this was an unhealthy relationship, what can I do to keep myself safe and supported, and how can I restore my self-image and self-worth?
Answering these questions honestly will help you figure out what you want out of a relationship, how to find someone who best fits your needs, and how to be a supportive partner to someone else.
Maintain Your New Normal
It may take time to feel normal living life without your relationship, or taking time away from mutual hobbies and friends. Encourage yourself to keep investing in other parts of your life, even when it feels hard. Stick with your new habits, hobbies, and friendships.
Open Yourself Up to New Relationships
Learning from your past relationships will prepare you for a new relationship that will better fulfill your needs and help you grow even more. Your growth will also make you a better partner in the long run. When you are ready, be open to new experiences with a new partner.
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